|This is one blurry, crappy pic. Which seem appropriate when I'm blogging about things going and wrong and the freak zone. Brass painted/patina, sealed, and riveted. the cuff is hand-shaped.. or I suppose I should say bail pliers shaped.|
Nothing you make seems to be right, you ruin components by rushing things, you drop stuff, you can't find things, you stab yourself with needles and wire, and the list can go on.
The doubt can be crippling. Paralyzing. I've had evenings after work and diner and some quick, modest attempt at housekeeping where I get in the studio and stare at the walls. I'll start a project, and can't finish it. Even if I finish something, I don't like it.
Add the pressure and stress of how very important doing well this year really is. I want to do well every year of course.. but this year most of my profits go to the family budget, not back into my business coffers.
I want to do my best every year... but in the past a "bad" year was depressing, but overall the effects are not great. This year, not doing well means less grocery money, not fewer beady buying trips.
The icing on the cake came today in the form of an email. Apparently a show I applied for and never heard back from actually accepted me and had me on their website as being in the show. I never got any email stating I was in. I never got the PayPal money request for the show fees, which were due by April 5th or you would lose your spot. Yet here I got the email about how to set up! This show is this weekend BTW. Which means from my perspective, I've been given 3 days notice.
Considering the state I'm in to begin with, this just about shoved me over.
First I panic and think I've somehow lost track of the show.... One of my big fears is double booking. Lots of artist apply to more than one show a weekend, as insurance for not making this show or that. If they get into both shows, they pick one and eat the jury fees on the other. It does make certain financial sense for those who have to do a show every weekend. Getting into shows can be tough, and the deadlines can make it hard to juggle. Every year I take into consideration the deadlines and some shows I might want to apply to I don't because of the conflicts. Some weekends are reserved for family time or Birthdays. ( I booked a show once on Jerry birthday.. NEVER AGAIN) But I'm scared to death at some point I'll slip up and double book by accident. My reputation as an artist is very important to me. If you ditch shows without really good cause you can get a bad name.
In the 10 plus years of doing shows, I've only really missed 3 shows, when My mother-in-law was dying and in a show 2008 when the roads were flooded and we literately couldn't get there safely. Last year I had to back out of a Jazz in July due to a asthma attack.
But after looking over my emails in the last month, and double checking my PayPal, I'm very sure I didn't know. I was pretty sure before, because I do pay very careful attention. See all the above about how I don't want to mess up show dates.
But boy, I hate what that show promoter is thinking about me right now.
I have commitments this weekend I can't break, set up after I didn't hear from the show. I'm sure it will all get worked out and be fine in the end... only I really didn't need this extra stress right now. I'm doing just fine boiling in my own juices without any outside help.
Maybe my asthma attack last weekend was as much about stress as it was about wacky Iowa weather and allergy triggers.
So..... I'm trying to take deep breaths, trying to stay calm and tell myself whatever doesn't get done is OK, and not to blame myself for email mishaps. If I make something, and don't like it, I'll put it out of sight and look at it again in a few days with fresh eyes. Jerry is helping ... Jerry washed dishes today. (Thank you Sweetie!!) Jesscera gives me extra hugs, and tries not to complain as much when I give her extra chores.
I'm going to try very hard to be productive this weekend, without losing sight of why I make jewelry... the joy of creating it *normally* brings me.
I'm also going to -stop- making things Tues evening. I'm going to get everything packed up (hopefully) so I can relax Wednesday before the Dutch Market at the Tulip festival starts Thursday morning at 9am.
This will probably be my last blog until after the Dutch Market, yet another effort to relax and be realistic about what I can get accomplished in this last push before show season starts.