Saturday, March 28, 2020

Anyone else feel guilty???

I'm a home body.  I love to go out with friends of course, an
bored at home? get a cat ! 
d even better they come to my house... my nice, big house with nice big studio and lots of corners to hide in if someone needs space.  Even have a big yard you could frolic in if that's your thing. 

We have lots of space for entertaining -- which since we moved in last year, we have done more than possibly the entire time 20 + years in the old house.  For 3 people it's bloody spacious and it's gonna take a long long time to feel trapped in it. 

I have a oven!!  ( I didn't for 9 years.  seriously)  I've been  making brownies, and today I"m thinking cookies.  I just found out one of my favorite local bakeries is having problems due to Covid so i'm very sad.  Quite a few local businesses are suffering, and some aren't going to make it.

My jewelry business will be way way way down this year, but unlike several artists buddies, I don't need the extra income right now. Believe me, we had some years where selling jewelry made the difference in eating or not.  I'm so relieved Jerry and I are blessed with good jobs right now in vital areas so we are both working.  We will not be missing paychecks.

So this forced social distancing thing really doesn't bother me, and if I didn't have to think about the people who are going to get sick and even die.... I could be pretty cheerful about the whole thing.

I even get to do my day job at home!   I really adore that.  A side effect is I get to see Hubby and Kid more, even if it's just a few extra hugs during my working day.  So far I'm pretty proud of how well it's working out.. I feel as productive as I ever felt at the office.  I am so much less stressed about work.  The last few years my asthma has gotten worse and the long list of things that trigger it keeps getting longer.

Working from home, I have control of my environment.  Every few days in the office something triggers me.  Anything from mild discomfort (pressure in my lungs, extra coughing) to actual attacks.  I have FMLA so on really bad days I would stay home, but it's not an ideal solution.  I knew it stressed me out, worried about having a attack because of someone's deodorant, or hair spray. It's really such a huge relief working from home I'm so much CALMER.  My emergency inhaler is just that.  for emergencies!!  I was using it 2-3 times at work almost everyday, just to be able to work. 

Keep in mind, work knows about my issues, most of my co workers are decent about it, and the managers try to enforce the no scent policy in my area, but when I'm sensitive to hundreds of cleaning products, hair products, smokers, and HAND SANITIZERS it's an impossible task.  When I have bad breathe days something I could tolerate on a normal day might trigger me.

So working at home? it's like a freaking miracle each and every day.  BREATHING is a freaking miracle! 

So I'm loving being home, I don't mind that I'm not leaving the house much.  The only time I poke my head out is the check the mail. 

Since I don't have the travel time I get to sleep in a few extra minutes, and getting more sleep is a bonus.  Since I'm home I can do meal prep for supper on my last beak -- or run the crock pot during the day ( I've never liked having the crock pot run with no one is home... I have too much imagination.)

So yah, I feel guilty i'm enjoying myself, when I know I'm one of the lucky ones.  I have my big, comfy house, I have a job and I'm unlikely to get laid off during the crisis.  Hubby's job is pretty secure right now too... we both work for a telephone / internet company.  We have wicked fast and secure WiFi all over the house, and we can have all 3 computers, 2 laptops, 2 tablets and 3 smart phones going at once, and my work computer.... and still have wicked fast connections.  This staying at home would truly suck without fast and reliable internet. 

Still, I have a library filled with great books to read, we have all kinds of games, and I'm a decent cook when I want to be.  I have my wonderful studio to putter around in. 

Honestly, with 6 cats how could a body be lonely or bored in this house???

So unless the zombies invade we are as well suited to homesteading in the crisis as we can be.

I do worry for my friends and relatives, especially my 89 year old mom.  I chat with her online almost every day, just to check up with her.  I worry what the social isolation will do for her.  She's at risk a couple of times over, and with my asthma and other health issues, I'm right there with her.  For now, neither of us are leaving our houses.   Between my brother and his family and my hubby, they are making grocery runs for her when she needs something.

I still feel guilty.  I'm trying to turn that guilt into gratitude.  I know i'm so lucky, and loved, and frankly pampered. 

With my health issues, I'm more a risk of getting sick and having a serious life threatening case.  I know the absolute best thing for me, and my family and friends, is to avoid other people during this time.  Putting myself in harms way helps no one, me getting sick or dying doesn't make anyone else's life better and it will harm my family.  I am not doing that to my hubby or daughter.  I can't imagine making my mom bury a child before her.

 So really, why should I feel guilty for doing the absolute best thing I can do, just because I'm enjoying parts of it?

Guilt doesn't really help anything, and gratitude makes me feel better.  I'm not religious but I'm sending out as many good thoughts as I can to those in need.