General musings of a fat person.........

OK, I know I"m overweight... I have been since 6 years old. It's not going to change overnight. It took me 41 years to get into the hole; hopefully it won't take 41 years to get out. But if it does, it does.

I don't even really care about the weight. I don't think I"ll ever be skinny. I just want to feel better. I want to loose enough weight so my knees don't hurt as much and my ankles don't swell. I want to loose enough weight so that I fit better in booths at restaurants. I want to loose enough weight so I can at least *try* to keep up with the kid. I want to loose enough weight that maybe my asthma will ease up alittle. I want to loose weight because I'm scared if I don't I will stop moving.. period. You name it, it's probably a reason to loose weight.

I'll never be skinny, but I'm heavier right now than I've ever been, even when I was pregnant. I just want to feel BETTER.

Strangely enough, I like myself better at 41 than I probably ever have. Maybe that's why I"m looking at this again. ( Like most overweight folks, I've tried before-- again, again, again, and again. End result, I'm realllllly fat now) Not that I don't have issues, but I think I accept myself as a good person with some problems. Years past, I wouldn't have given myself the "good". The last couple of years some very bad things have happened, and it's given me a different perspective on life.

I know now that fat isn't the worst thing that can happen to a good person. I think perhaps I thought I was a bad person and being fat was a punishment. I was ashamed because everyone who saw me knew I had issues, because I was fat. It was both my sin and my punishment, all rolled into one. I wore a giant, scarlet "f" on my stomach for everyone to see.....

Everyone has problems. Fat people can't hide it, but look at a skinny person and I guarantee that 99% of them have something they feel bad about, guilty about, evil about, or just plain wrong.

So what if I'm fat? Don't like it, don't look. But I want to feel better. I deserve to feel healthier. Liking myself better means it's time to treat myself better.

For Christmas we got a Wii Fit for Jerry's ( that's the hubby) present. After some badgering on his part, and guilt on mine, I've been trying it this week. It's kind of fun, and we are sort of doing it as a family activity, which makes it nice. At this point, even if I do it for 5 minutes I'm ahead of the game.

I'm trying not to overwhelm myself this time. Diets/life style changes past, I jump in with both feet, with gusto and enough enthusiasm to choke a rattlesnake. I loose usually 20-30 lbs, feel much better.. and start to slack off. And the weight comes back, brings friends and we eat even more at the pity party.

So I'm just making little changes. The goal is to feel better, to walk easier, to encourage my "like myself" better impulses. I started with less caffeine. My sleep doctor recommended it, and I grumbled, but I just can't stay up til 2 in the morning and get to work the next day like I used to. Midnight Kat Productions is more like 9-11pm Productions anymore, at least if I have to get up early the next morning! Problem is even when I go to bed at a decent time, I can't always turn my head off and sleep. I didn't believe her when she said caffeine, especially in the evening, could be part of my problem.

I'm trying. I've started to drink only de-cafe Diet Coke after 8pm. End result? I think I'm sleeping better.. more importantly my overall pop consumption is down. I'm getting used to de-cafe, but I don't drink it like I drink regular pop. You know what else? I'm snacking way less at night. So that became my next goal... don't eat after 8pm. Most weekdays this isn't a problem. Weekends it's harder because I do stay up later.

But I'm refusing to beat myself up about it. If I have caffeine after 8pm, then I do. If I eat and it's 10 pm, then that means I ate after 10pm. It's not the end of the world and I will do better tomorrow, and if I don't for some reason, then I have the next day.

So now I'm trying to get back to exercising. About 3 years ago I was exercising almost every weekday for 30-45 minutes. I hurt my knee, so I couldn't exercise for awhile.. and then never got back to it. I feel like sometimes if I don't move more I"m going to grow roots. I don't want to be a breathing statue. So I'm trying to do at least 5 minutes a day of purposeful exercise. Walking, wii-ing, even just stretching. What ever, the important thing is making a commitment to do SOMETHING.. to make it a priority, at least for 5 minutes. Most days I either do 10-15 minutes, or nothing. Again, I'm trying not to feel bad when I miss. The point is I'm thinking about it, in a positive way, in a way that might create real change. I'm making it a conscious decision everyday.

When I get to where I'm doing it almost everyday, then I'll increase the time. If it takes 6 months, that's OK. I don't think it will, but if it does it does. No more wailing in guilt and negative feelings. I'm going to take life as it is.

I think I feel better already. Maybe just a tad less achy, maybe it's just the mental lift of moving in a forward direction.

I'm also feeling much more grateful than ever before for all the good things in my life. My daughter, my husband, my family and friends, and my art. I think without making art jewelry all these years... well, I'm just glad I found the creative outlet when I did.

Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days. Had one today.... BUT.....

Life is short. Enjoy it. Enjoy yourself. Love yourself. Life is to short to hate yourself for not being perfect. It's probably funner not being perfect anyway.